Intelligence Quotient

It all started with a momentary lapse in my knowledge of geography of USA. On one of our vacation trip to Hawaii ,I was doing the preparatory work .I was flummoxed . I could not get driving direction to Hawaii on map quest. It kept saying , ''Cannot find directions''.Well, I never claimed any proficiency in Geography .She caught me red handed in my moment of weakness . ''How can you get driving directions to Maui ,it is an Island '',she said.From then on began series of Agni Parikshas to prove my mettle


Everyday there was a new challenge, some were innocuous , some difficult and others mind boggling.Like the other day ,she asked me ''Do you know the meaning of my name? 'Hmm,what ? No, I don't know that '',I answered trying best to wriggle out of the question answer session. ''You don't even know know the meaning of your wife's name ''she said with the expression of shock and horror as if she had just heard her husband was Green Goblin ,the sworn enemy of Spider-man.Names having meaning is an part of Indian culture.Do the names ,Ann, Sue , Julia , any of these names have a meaning ?Coming back to my on the spot moment,I offered her my sincere apologies and told her to tell me the meaning of her name .To which she answered'' Do some research, find it yourself ''.

Then a month or two later, one evening as I was relaxing by reading my all time favorite ''The Mahabharata ''.She came to me and said''Come lets do a medium level Sudoku Quiz and see who finishes up first ''. I thought to myself ''Heavens Forbid if I lose to her,I am never seeing end to these quizzes. I have to win. I had never played Sudoku before but she had a couple of times. So one of these days ,she had taken time out from her extremely busy schedule to explain to a lesser mortal what it was all about .For those of you who are not aware of what it is . It is a fill in the blank with numbers where digits one to ten should come only once in all the line. The theme music of the movie '' Chariots of fire'' starting playing in my head as I took my seat next to her for the battle. I felt an overwhelming sense of burden of saving the grace of all husband-kind of the world. I summoned all my brain cells to start working at the fastest possible speed and beckoned all the Gods to be on my side. With a Jai Mata Di , I started filling the digits in the blank spaces.. About fifteen minutes later , I glanced at her sheet and she just was about half way done.It was a do or die situation, failure was not an option. I concentrated hard on the quiz , and made a small offer to God of $ 5 prashad. There was pin-drop silence for another twenty minutes. Just then there was a shriek piercing the tic tic of the clock,the only sound present in the house. It was the sound of triumph , my triumph.She grabbed my sheet in disbelief and checked all the numbers twice.I had beaten her fair and square.

I will be going to temple tomorrow to offer my thanks to the Almighty.

Right to be Right

Has anyone given a thought to the fact that she has the right to be right .It is not anytime, sometime but it is all the time. Looks like the wives all over the world have it as their birthright. That is the right to be right in front of their husbands

.As I remember even in childhood, Chacha Choudary whose brain was faster than the computer and Saboo his loyal big tall friend would be obeying Mrs Chachi Choudary. Whatever she said was the order of the house.Later in IIT how the day would pan out , would one get a devastatingly , deadly surprise quiz or not ,depended on the mood of the Proff. And his mood was directly proportional to the his wife having asserted her right to be right.


Later over the years this fact has become crystal clear . Any argument which I seem to be wining in round 1 , by the time it comes to round 3 , she somehow manages to win and be right. Just the other day,I put up proposal on her table for approval regarding a lap desk.I have laptop and a designated table for my work Then there are the times when I want to work sitting on the couch. Man has needs and the need of the hour was for a lap desk.I stood in front of her as she read her book, just like how a student satnds in front his teacher wanting a restroom break . I presented my case saying’’ I have to work long hours and need to be comfortable. I am learning new technology and working on a project ,I would like you to authorize a lap desk for work for me..Round 1 : I win.

She heard the argument and it seemed she was deliberating on it like a Hindi film Judge. After 5 minutes of pensive thoughts she said, ‘’there are two many of your gadgets lying on the couch , and the lap desk will also just be lying around, I think it is a waste ‘’. Round 2 :She wins.

She took a pause and then looked at me with the most serious expression and said ‘’If you want to work and have the passion to work , you can do it under any circumstances with or without lap desk. Just see the recent Olympic medal winner Boxer Vijendra .He did not have any facilities and managed to win a medal . Don't you agree with me ?

‘’Yes dear ,I agree, you are right ‘’. Round 3 and the match goes to her .Who could argue with that reasoning.Such heavy duty argument for a ten dollar lap desk.Phew!!!

Maybe it is a law of the Universe.Like the water is blue and leaves are green,and the force of gravity, and the Wife has the Right to be Right always .

Paneer Pakodaas

The Sunday evening was charming . A brisk cool wind was blowing and making the tall trees dance to its rhythm.I opened our living room window for the wind to seep in . Sitting on the couch with my i pad ,i did not remain untouched by the the breeze.It was an opportune time to have some hot tea and maybe pakodas and maybe Paneer Pakodaas. Me , Ruby on Rails(ROR) on Ipad, tea in hand and pakoddas in mouth ,would be ambrosial.So with the intention of the above, I looked at her making the eyes of a lost puppy.She did not raise her eyes from the book she was reading.I thought it was time to come clean and speak from the heart otherwise dream of the pakoddaas will remain unfulfilled . ''Feel like having tea and pakodaas'', I said sheepishly. She finally raised her head from the book and said '' You just had tea one hour before and you just had lunch three hours back.What is the need for another cup of tea '',she chided me. ''Of course ,one hour back tea, 3 hours back lunch , 12 hour back dinner , does that mean I am not entitled to any more eating pleasures ,I thought to myslf . Then suddenly as if after a change of heart she said ''Accha , I will make it ''. A wave of happiness surged in me and I can say with the song Kuch kuch hota hai surmised my feeling about the pakoddas at the moment .



Tearing herself from her book , she and went to the kitchen . She opened the packet of besan and started putting water in it . I saw her from the corner of my eye felt satisfied seeing things going in right direction or so I thought.With her hands smudged totally in the wet besan, she beckoned me . ''My hands are all soaked now , can you pour oil in the pan.You can leave after that',she said . Alarm bells started ringing in my head giving me a warning that the call in the kitchen for pouring of oil is a pretext and there is more to come. Everyone knows , how Sita was cajoled to step out of the laxman rekha . Hindu Mythology is witness to what happened after that.Me stepping out of the Laxman rekha of the living room looked ominous to me . Despite the warnings going in my head I went and put a pan with oil on the burner. ''Now that you are here , why don't you also make the tea.You make so much better tea than me,''she said matter of factly while she cut the paneer delicately in cubes,in same breath chopping my lazy afternoon .Yes,the warning had come true.

So here I was in kitchen making tea and she on the other burner was frying the pakoddas.When about five or so were done, suddenly the phone bell rang. It was her friend whom she had not spoken for a long time. I have my suspicions , she might have tweeted or chatted or facebooked her friend to call her in the time of her need.While on the phone , she gestured and then whispered to me ''take care of the pakkoddas,slowly take them out from the oil ''.So now she was siting on the couch babbling away on the phone, putting her feet up waiting for tea and Pakodaas which I was preparing . Finally it was she , her phone , tea in her hand and pakoddas in her mouth .

This Saturday when I sat down to write , she came up to me and said ''You are writing all not so good things about me , how about writing about some of my qualities''. I thought to myself and mused,'' She has many many qualities.In the month of April when she decided to cook , she juggled up a scrumptious meal ,in the month of May when she decided to clean the house she made it spotless.But those are the qualities which come up bimonthly . I decided to put my heart and soul into writing about one of her yearly/perennial quality .




As I pondered over the thought for some time ,I suddenly felt enlightened and realized what a wonderful quality she has, which I was overlooking . All those times when things were not clear and I had questions about who Shahid Kapoor was dating now days. She knew the answer. Whenever I was stuck and needed more know how on the ceremonies and the guest list of Abishek -Aishwarya Rai wedding ,she would always dish out the answer from her sea of information. Her knowledge transcends continent and oceans. She is as much aware of Halle Berry break up with her boyfriend Gabreil Aubry as she is of Deepika -Ranbeer Kapoor 's breakup. The best way to describe how stuck she is to the Internet,reading voraciously is by saying this phrase . ''यह fevicol का मजबूत जोड़ है ttootaga नही ''.She is so well versed with who is who's mother in law , ex- husband ,sister ,brother that I wont be amazed if she the knew Shrek the ogre and Puss in boots genealogy.

Her proficiency is not just restricted to the movie world but goes beyond to books and television too.If someone ever needs a synopsis for a previous missed episode of Lost ,House , Baa Bahoo and Baby or Ristha kya kehlata hai (the list is unending) just holler to her and she will give it better than even the ABC website.I have my suspicions though still not proven as yet that she might be a expert on the Chinese and Mexican telly world too. Sports soon became her forte when Tiger Woods story began to unravel. She knew the latest of Tiger Woods tryst in his unending saga of female lovers.Not a single article ever written on Sania-Shoaib-Ayesha had slipped past her unread.She knows the family details of Dhoni, Yuvraj like back of her hand. So this is my ode to her whom I sometimes also call ''Walking , talking Wikepedia''.

My IPL Saga

I am thinking of joining the BCCI's gang of cricket- lords who are gunning after Lalit Modi with their agenda. I too have a bone to pick with him about this IPL extravaganza,he has created . It has been three years since it came in reckon .And all the years I have been suffering in one form or the other.

When I went for my annual India trip to Delhi, which happened to be the First year of the IPL . I had no choice but to watch the matches held in blazing sun with the Delhi Loo scalding my cheeks and the perspiration giving me a sauna bath in the Feroz Shah Kotla Stadium. Before going for the vacation,I had dreams of sitting in the the cool comfort of the Samsung Air conditioner, eating HaldiRam's samosa and kachoris with the evening tea.Instead of cool ,mom made Lassi , I was drinking not so chilled, fifty rupees Pepsi there.I was fully aware of her love for Cricket,but oblivious of her arranging the tickets even before we boarded the flight. It did not matter if Virender Sehwag is there as a captain, but we were there to see the live action . I just about managed to escape a heat stroke that Indian Summer.

For the past one month and more IPL has been the flavor of the month in our household.One evening when I arrived, I was told by my sprightly wife that she had bought the IPL package on Direct TV. The days became just a tad different from then on for a month and more.Mornings, I woke up to the sounds of loud claps and exclamation of ''WOW,Bravo,what a catch''. The live match was on and she was up since 5.30 am watching Tendulakar vs Warne and supporting Warne whole heartedly.She could jump with joy on the couch but I was not allowed to loiter in the home especially not in front of the television set.It was curfew time for those morning hours.For breakfast it was burnt toast and boiled eggs, as she could not afford to miss even one DLF maximum Sixes.Shoving is what I had to do to her to get her to her office. On reaching my office,I would be greeted by a phone call or chat message informing if Rajasthan Royal won or Preity's boys.Dinners were a lavish spread if her team won and only Kichdi if her favorite team would loose. I cant even fathom what Raj Kundra would be going through when Rajasthan Royal lost.


The IPL has ended and so are my curfew days. The sun is shining again on me and I have decided to email my laundry list of complaints about Mr Modi to Shashank Manoher .I am sure he would be pleased to get my letter so he can add more fuel to the fire. I hope they are able to get reigns on him because my dearest wife has noxious designs for the IPL, next year and I am afraid the burnt toast would be difficult to digest again.

Pact

Pacts , is what makes a lifetime . One makes all kinds of them.Some with self, some with God, some with your Boss and most of them with your wife . One of the deals between us is that ,I watch one of her chick flicks and she watches one of the action/gory movies with me . So she has watched "Black Hawk Down" , "300" for me and I have in turn watched ''Devil wears Prada, with her.You would think that seeing Meryl Streep,Anne Hathway and all the talk about fashion would have been a deterrence for me .But not until I saw the next movie as per our agreement, which was the epitome of feminism.

One lovely evening in Pasadena , I found myself standing next to her,while she was in the line to get tickets to see her movie. We entered the not yet darkened theater and to my utter embrassment,it was packed bevy of females .What else could one expect, I was in fact going to see ''Sex and the City''.But seeing is believing . I strained my eyes to find another member of my species . With great difficulty ,I located another fellow sufferer who would be going through the same torment as me . After taking our respective seats , it felt as if there is no escaping this place. .This is what Abhimanyu must have felt after entering the Chakaravyu ,surrounded by bloodthirsty enemies with no way out.

Carrie Bradshaw aka Sarah Jessica Parker appeared on screen, she was going to get married.The theater echoed with OOH AA H'S. My starry eyed wife looked at me to see if I was too enjoying like her . I suppressed my real emotions and smiled in appreciation of the proceeding in the movie.Some time later, Carrie Bradshaw was stood up by her finance and her wedding was stalled.The theater again resonated with sighs and ''OH NO'S.She again looked at me to find out if I also understood Carrie Bradshaw pain.And,here I was hoping if my partner could understand my pain.To get some reprieve, I asked her if she wanted popcorn or soda , hoping that the queue would be so long that I will miss most of the movie.No such luck. She was so engrossed in the movie and she did not want anything. In between the two hours, there was a moment where an unheard ,unsaid sympathy was conveyed through eyes to the other lone male gender sitting with his girlfriend.

Finally Carrie Bradshaw got married, and I felt my shackles being broken. I stepped out of the hall and took a deep breath under the open skies amidst the hullabullu of the shopping mall.I was appreciating the Pasadena crowded mall in a new light.On the way back, she asked me '' So how was the movie ?''. I could not control myself and finally announced to her'' after this last experience, I am proclaiming our little treaty null and void''.

Surprise!!!

A Surprise on your birthday, what more can one ask for ? When I saw mine for this birthday I went through a whole gamut of emotions .First, layer of Happiness,then disappointment next amazement, and last but not least pressure , all rolled into one like a sushi.

All you husbands/boyfriends out there who have ever given an excuse of forgetting their wife/girlfriend's birthday , I have one word for you 'Lucky '. As for me I can't even give that pretext to my wife as both our birthday are on consecutive days . What will I say '' Honey,I don't even know the day and month when I was born . When I have filled at least thousand of paper work for education,banking , visa, with a mandatory fill in the blank against the letter DOB (date of birth ). This justification will never fly.

For a past few years , it is a usual dinner or a lunch on either of our birthdays , no big gifts , or celebrations. But this time she decided to bowl a googly at me . Whoever says women cant keep any secret is all balderdash. We decided to go for lunch on the day of my birthday . She carried her usual load of things a purse and another bag , phone ,sunglasses . We reached the restaurant . She excused herself to go to the restroom. So far so good. We ordered our dishes and the waiter came back with mine and says to her it will be twenty more minute for hers . ''Twenty more minutes for hers what did she order?, I did not even pay attention '' I thought.

I waited patiently for 15 minutes. I should have guessed ,there is more than meets the eye , when she did not allow me to eat my dish . A few minutes later , I saw a waitress walking in with a cake and a package. The first thoughts in my mind was ''This is a brilliant idea , I can do this for her tomorrow.Thank you dear waitress for getting this to my notice''. The next second it felt she was coming towards me that just gave me the heebie-jeebieses . ''Oh no , is this cake for me. If it is , what will I do for a suprise for her tomorrow ''?.All these horrifying thoughts clouded my mind .The petite waitress then turned and it looked if she was going to the other table, I heaved a sigh of relief . She then picked the lighter from there and lo and behold put the white key lime pie icing cake on our table. My worst fear had come true , it was a surprise cake for me. The letters written on the cake starred at me and I starred them back ''Happy Birthday Rahul''. Not to mention there was a packet with the cake which had THE ipad. Beads of sweat appeared on my forehead.Stress of performing better tomorrow had creeped up and was at its peak.Instead of overwhelming joy I was experiencing performance anxiety . And if I knew myself better, I will crumble under the pressure and never be able to surpass her tomorrow .

My Vacation Puzzle

It just so happened that for the past one month , I have been getting some subtle hints to go for a vacation. Although subtle, they are given to me everyday in form of prodding, questioning etc , etc .

"So what did you do at the office today ?", she asked me in the evening. But I knew that the translation of the question was '' did I do some research for the vacation?''. ''So did you talk to your friend X or Y?", she asked. Here the hidden question is -"X had gone for a vacation last month , had I called him up for some information". Sometime I get this feeling that I am being interrogated by my sweet and cute wife. For that period she takes the Avatar of a Police inspector from our Hindi films. In the plot I have become the goon who has been caught by that Inspector. Just like the goon who suffers from partial amnesia and does not want to cough up any answers, I am not able to answer any of her questions to her satisfaction.

Now as the years of marriage have gone by I have realized ,she can multi task and I can't. Forget multitasking, I am plain hoping to finish all my office tasks. Multiple threads can be going on in her mind. But the processor in my head is guaranteed single threaded.

The days were going by and I was still at my wits end for the vacation spot. Like a crossword puzzle, clues were being given to me left, right and center , but the right destination still alluded me . Ask any man, what vacation is for them. At least for me it is eating, sleeping and doing nothing. Because after the amount of Software-giri I do at office, that is what I need besides ''Hamdard ka tonic Cinkara''.

The night of decision had arrived. So with my imagination or rather lack of it, I came up with going to Vegas or San Diego. She heard this, closed her eyes, swayed her head side to side and pursed her lips. (P.S we have gone to these places many times ). The expressions said it all. Her expression were not far away from my IIT Prof who taught Electromagnetic. He would ask the trickiest of questions and expected me to answer them. I would think all those times, "Abe Salla, if you know the answer ,why don't you answer it and spare me". Neither did I say those thoughts aloud to the Prof and nor can I say anything remotely close to her. All I manage to think is , if she knows where she wants to go , please enlighten me also.

Just like the silence before the storm, she sat quietly for ten minutes. And then jumped up, came up to me and said puffing her cheeks "I will not talk to you , you could not come with any good place.''She then opened word document on my laptop and wrote in capital letter where she wanted to go. I thought , I will cajole her later. At least now I know where to go and I am relieved that I am off the hook.

Barbarism of the Burberry Bag

If not barbarism what else was it ? She was lured to the chocolate colored check pattern bag like iron to a magnet , bees to the honey , me to an Apple store .But all these attractions result in some constructive results. The bees make honey , I feel a direct connection with Steve Jobs when I go to the Apple store .The touch and feel of the gadgets is a constant education process for me .And no one comes out hurt , neither me nor my credit card .


Among a thousand and thousand of purses kept in Nordstrom , there is only one she liked in all the store . Kept on the topmost shelf in Nordstrom , with the yellow light making it more prominent, She asked me ''Can you bring that purse down , let me see it ''. I like a law abiding husband agreed to this trivial request

.For me the difference from one purse to the other is a big Zero . The difference for her is a completely opposite figure ''Infinite''. So after a search which lasted maybe just about 85 min ,she picked it and declared to me ''this is the one''. I heaved a sigh of relief , finally the torture was over and we could go and grab a bite . My relief only lasted till the time we took to find out where the price tag was located .The price tag was snugged inside comfortably in the layers of the purse. My heart just skipped a beat seeing the numerical digits on the price tag. It was enough to buy a more than a decent laptop.Why don't they put the figures in bold and place it next to the bag . So when one sees the purse , the eyes also can eyeball those three digit figures. No they will never do that .

She said twisting her face to the other side '' OK leave it , it is too expensive'' . '' Think quick , do I say OK, or no honey take it , I can buy this for you '' I thought to myself. 'What if this is a trick statement to test me. I better tread this path carefully ''. ' Why don't you buy it , not buying will be waste of all your efforts ''. I said with a slight shake in my voice.''OK , this can be your gift on my birthday '' she said happily and walked towards the check out counter. '' Bamboozled I was , her birthday was not in another 6 months . With a smile on my lips , and trembling hands I opened my humble ten dollar wallet, to buy the Burberry Purse . I just hope she is happy and also that it lasts for at least ten years .