Safar ( Suffer !! )

Long distance travel by road can be a fun and great time to bond ,when travelling with friends. There are movies made on that. But no one has ever made a movie on a what happens when husband and wife travel long distance in a car. The best part of the travel for the wife and the worst part for the husband is there is no getting away from each other. It is like being in the shoes of Dr Sobel/Billy Crystal when he had no choice except to tag along with Mr Vitti aka Robert De Niro( Remember Analyze this and Analyze that!!).


To clarify it further here is my story. Among the countless trip we have made, our latest trip was to Lake Tahoe. She was going for a conference and I was accompanying as her driver/companion/husband. Makes me think why there are no conferences in these first class resorts for engineers. Imagine what would happen. All the employees would be sitting in a conference room coding or net surfing while the boss will be working from the hotel room aka playing golf on the lush green golf course which is also visible from the conference room. Anyways back to our trip. The trip got started with stoppage at the gas station for some quality one-on-one time between the gas tank and the pump. I took out my credit card to swipe. Swipe the card- did not went through. Swipe again-card did not go through-error. Swipe again - error- did not go through. Something must be wrong with the machine, I thought. This happens to me but not 3 times in a row. While I was deciphering the reason and my next move, I got honked not from the guy behind me but from my wife inside the car as her patience was running out. She was sitting with no AC in the car as the engine was not running. I decided it was not me but something was wrong with the pump and drove to the next one. "Something is wrong with the machine" , I reasoned with her.
 I had just parked the car again when someone pulled to the gas pump which had given me a hard time and swiped card in one swift motion and stating filling his car. Even from inside the car with the glasses up I could feel her piercing look saying to me "What is wrong with you? Why can't you do things without delay ?"

 So our journey got started with 15 min delay which was all because of me. Nothing new in that. Two minute of cold stare later things came to normal. The navigation system was on. The navigation lady ( I treat all women with respect,visible or invisible) had started giving direction. Once on the freeway, the navigation lady decided to take a break but then this other lady with me(sitting next to me )started with the instructions. . "I think you should slow now,there is traffic slowing in front. "Why don't you come on the left lane, this one is slow,etc etc"
Her best suggestion came a little later. We were one lane freeway which stretched for 20 miles or so. We were behind a red Chevy SUV driving pretty slow ahead of us and all there was a long line of cars behind us. "Tailgate him, Salla ko hatoyoo.Make him move FASTER", she said. I looked towards my right to make sure it was my wife and not some "Pappu Pager" gangster sitting next to me.

 There comes a time in one's journey where one has to decide what road to choose as both the two choices offered, are not very appetizing. There is traffic snarling like a snake on both options . As it happens usually, I want to go with choice X and she thinks freeway Y will make us reach our destination sooner. So , I do what a mature and intelligent man would do. Do as the wife says and take the freeway Y. Then it happens, indeed freeway Y was better and has less traffic on it "See, I told you. You should always listen to me",she concluded as if she her decision had made us a millionaire. Whenever she turns out to be right which I admit happens most of the time, I am reminded again and again how profound she is with decision making.

 Once things got settled, I decided to listen to some songs. So I asked her,"Can you put some songs on i-phone?" She replied and I was dreading this," Ahh, I will sing for you". She does have a melodious voice and sings in rhythm, but is it wrong to like Sunidhi Chauhan or Mohit Chauhan more than her. So she sang ,one after the other," Thoda hai thoda ki zarrorat hai". ( exactly my sentiments) ,hosh walaon ko khabar kai bekhudi kya cheez hai from Sarfarosh and then sudden turn to 50’s with Aa dil mujha bata de tu kis per aa gaya hai. I was listening to All India Radio. And after every song there was a question,"How did I sing?". After half an hour she decided to take a break, I think she had ran out of songs.

 Destination reached,my back and leg were aching beside my head. Journeys like this and I realize how much I miss the Indian Railways. There are unnecessary halts and a three hour journey turning to four hour on the train.But even with those there are so many advantages being on the train. First one is the right foot and leg does not have to endure any brutality with the constant gas pressing, there is plenty of room to stand , sit, take a break from the wife and so many more . But one thing I think I would not be able to avoid even in the train is her singing. She is so uninhibited, she would not stop singing in the train. Thank god her voice is not that bad.

Doctor Biwi

In pursuit to relieve the tedium of singleton life, I decided to take a plunge in the high tides of the revered, bitter sweet tradition of marriage.Highly recommended by my parents and given great reviews by friends.

Having made up my mind,the trivial issue of finding my better half needed to be addressed. A long distance phone call, and I found my vital stats appearing on the leading newspaper in India ,’’tall,handsome boy working in US OF A’’

Everything completely true of course, as it supposed to be in a matrimonial advertisement. Unlike some of my unbridled and truly handsome friends,I could never venture to ask a girl out because of which the dream I nurtured of having a girlfriend never blossomed .So for all the blokes like me,the print and electronic media was a savior.

The plan was to have a shortlist of potential wives to be. So when I reached India ,it would be easier finding the one. Suggestions were pouring in from all quarters, novice and experienced. Even my boss who would otherwise show no interest what so ever in my being, said in the end of one of the meeting,’’All the best Rahul, hope you are able to conquer the elusive status of getting engaged in one trip’’, he said looking at couple of my colleague who had to make three trips to the motherland to find themselves the coveted soon to be married status.

With stars in my eye and spring in my feet I reached hot,sweaty Delhi. I was greeted by excited family members and a file full of bio-data. It was neatly arranged and labelled according to the likings of my mother, father and sisters.It was deja vu all over again,memories of the time when I had to be admitted to high school flashed in front of me. Besides mom and dad, maternal and paternal uncle too had opinions of the school I needed to be sent to.

With consensus, I was given a day to relax and catch up on my sleep before I started my exploration. The next day I was woken up by voices coming from the living room,the schedule was being planned and the first stop on the agenda was meeting someone of my parents choice, girl from their hometown Patna. Someone they figured would be soaked in Bihari customs, who would know how to cook choka, sattu for their son, who was eating chalupas, nachos from Taco bell.

Next I met someone who credentials seemed impressive to my sister. Her father was in IRS,but the way he grilled me he should have been in the IPS. As soon as the words H1B visa was uttered from my mouth, I could see him loosing interest in me as his potential son in law.

‘’Oh you don't have a green card,’’ he said with a look of pity on his face for me. In an instant I was transformed from a catch of the year to last season stale fish who needed to be dropped and kept aside. How my feelings were hurt that day. Marriage or no marriage ,I took an oath on the name of the then Prime minister Vajpayee , one day I will be a green card holder. And then no one I repeat no one will be able to call me H1-B visa wala.

Dejected and desperate as only 10 days remained to go back, I took matters in my own hand. Armed with a folder full of bio data's arranged alphabetically by my father.

If in Amar, Akbar, Anthony ,Amitabh Bacchan had imaginary bells ringing when he saw Praveen Babi, I had the same experience seeing the snaps of each and every girl. Wings of imagination would fly me and the girl in the current snap and you know how guys think. Don't have to draw a picture for you, Do I ?

Then a bio data caught my attention which did not have a snap, girl from Delhi and doctor by profession. Curious to see how she looks, I said to my father to make inquiries

Calls were made and it was agreed upon to meet the girl at her house next day. On arrival at her house, the following evening, I was greeted by a firm, solid army colonel hand shake.My soft hands which were not used to such brutality were taken by surprise

It being sultry April evening we were offered cold water first. As I was about to pick up the chilled water glass, my mother jumped in. Fearing the water maybe not filtered might not be good enough for her US living son.

‘’No Behnji, he wont have cold water,he has sore throat. He will have tea.’’ she said as I left the glass on the tray.

‘’My mom is so perceptive’’, I thought,even I did not know I had a sore throat. Later she explained to me why she said so. Tea will have boiled water by default and that will be good enough for her sonny boy but not water which might be filtered or not.

Another round of tea,snacks with Dhokla,samosa, ,kaju barfi ,gulab jamuns made the rounds.The drive from Delhi to Gurgaon had made me hungry and seeing hot,steaming paneer pakodas , I was unable to stop myself.

‘’Please have it with the dhaniya pudina chatni,’’ said my prospective mother-in-law offering the chatni to me. This time I was elbowed by my sister, trying to tell me to eat less.

God, do I really want to get married and get another female presence in my life, I thought to myself not being able to eat or drink on will.

The girl arrived in the living room as I tried to gobble down a kaju barfi which I had manged to pick up as everyone else especially my mother and sister were looking somewhere else.She was wearing yellow green salwar kurta and had put just a lipstick unlike the other girls I had met who had been to the parlour for the day.We were ushered to go out of the house and talk privately.

Couple of hours and couple more meetings later I found myself engaged to the girl,or now I should say my would be wife.

Back in San Fransisco, I was treated with utmost reverence among unmarried friends and colleagues with the unprecedented success I had achieved of getting engaged in first trip and that too to a certified and bonafide doctor.

Skip and a hop and the D day arrived. It is a good thing that the groom gets to dressed in best finery and is treated by family and friends like a king as afterwards he will never get to experience that euphoric feeling ever again.


Someone learned once said,only thing constant in life is change. There were changes, good,bad and some perplexing. A companion for life who would not let you win any argument sums up the good and bad. The perplexing one was her speaking in a language which was unfathomable.

It was like the interaction I had with the Chinese moving guy ,only that interaction was short and with her they are longer and frequent ones.

Nearly a month after our marriage and out of my honeymoon period at work, I had started doing my full fledged work. One evening I came back home with a headache and a frown on my face due to it . She asked me ,’’what happened, you look in pain ‘’?

‘’I am having a splitting headache .There was loads of work at office today,had to meet a deadline. Did not even have lunch.Can you get me a Advil’’? I said

She went inside, I thought she had gone to get the Advil but instead she got me some biscotti and Parle G biscuits in a plate. ‘’Eat these ,while I prepare dinner. You are having a headache due to hypoglycemia. It will get better as soon as you get some glucose in your body.’’she said with a look of a learned man.


‘’What,What,What has happened to me ?’’ I got concerned hearing those words I had never heard before.She shrugged her shoulder and sat next to me,placed her arm on my shoulder and explained,’’hypoglycemia means low sugar, which happened because you did not eat . Your body was telling you that in a form of headache’’she said.

Aha,OK , I felt relieved now and felt I was in safe hands.

Few days later the sense of relief felt a little dwindling. A fine Sunday afternoon , I was cooking lunch and she was studying ,as I had taken over the duties of kitchen as expected from the 21st century male.

Tears from flowing down my cheeks as I chopped the onions for a week. The damn tears blurred my vision and the sharp side of the otherwise not so useful knife, cut my thumb. Unlike someone else, I was not used to seeing blood,and that to my own,I cried for help.

‘’Nidhi,come here. I have cut my thumb’’I shouted. She came running in panic.I was pressing my thumb with my other hand , afraid to look at it again, not before my doctor arrived on the site.

‘’Let me see,’’she said. My cut was fully exposed now and fresh red blood was still oozing from the cut .

‘’It is a small cut, lets wrap the kitchen towel tightly and sit down with your arm raised. It will stop in 1 minute.’’.I saw she had gotten relaxed the moment she saw my cut. The sentiment was further amplified as she picked up a piece of peeled coconut and started munching it for a snack.

Are you sure? It is still bleeding.’’ I asked worried about my state.

With her mouthful of coconut,she came to me with a band aid,’’let me put it ,you will be fine’’.

Was I happy to have a Doctor at home or not ,it is difficult to say.She having seen worst things in ER, my simple cut was triage to a level which needed 30 min of sympathy time.

Slowly I have learned the language she spoke,and even learnt a little to show off to friends and family.

My sister called me one day,and in between the usual gossip about chachas,cousin, aunties etc , she said to me she wanted to know ,if paracetamol available in India is same as a the medicine she had with her in Dubai with a different name.

‘’Nidhi is not here, you tell me,what is the ingredient in the medicine’’? I asked her confidently

If it is acetaminophen , it is same as Paracetamol ,I said with more confidence.

She answered from there,it was acetaminophen. I could sense surprise in her voice hearing the terminology from me

I assured her paracetamol in India is acetaminophen, so she can take the one she had.

Happy on giving some medical advise to my folks, I definitely felt it was good to have a doctor wife.

Hello Greece

Few of you who have taken time out from their busy schedule of internet surfing and read my previous blogs must have guessed by now and if not ,let me recapitulate. My wife is the most fun loving , adventurous and out-going person,one would come across.

With a less hectic schedule after recent change of jobs, she was not busy decorating the house,learning new recipes to please me but was painstakingly (for me) and joyously (for her ) charting out a plan to do Europe tour. Everyday she tried bouncing ideas with me and I, like the wall of the racket ball court, bounced it back to her.

In one of her previous births ,she might have been sister of Marco Polo or Christopher Columbus.Back then, they would not allow women to go on expeditions and she must have suffered from sibling rivalry .As a result for those previous birth longings she was on the path of going for world tour.

The other times she expects me to do all the booking and planning, but this time either she was too excited. She did all the arrangements, booking tickets , hotels,trips, ferries everything. The thought of leaving the comfort of my ergonomic chair and my mac book and that too for 10 days, made me turn to different tactics to stall the plan. I feigned my busy work schedule .’’there are some deadlines to meet this month’’,I said.To which she replied nonchalantly ,’’ we are going only for a few days , you can come back and work. It is not like you guys are saving lives’’.

I tried to make her feel guilty on the monetary loss we might incur,. ‘’Trip will cost some money’’,I said as I looked at my bank statement.
‘’Don't worry I will not buy anything and live frugally for a month after we come back,she said reassuringly by placing her hand over mine and then logged out of the Bank of America website. I used the last means at my disposal. I tired bribing her, with things we could do over the long weekend. All my covert operations were flushed down the drain and we were on our way to Greece and Germany.

After 15 hr long journey divided in two flights we reached Athens.’’Our first day of sightseeing will get started in precisely 15 min ,’’she said as we opened the door of the hotel room. ‘’You have 10 min to brush and get dressed ‘’she said looking at the clock on the night table. As the hot water poured on me the aches and pains from the journey were just starting to melt away when she bellowed ,’’It is eleven minutes since you went in , we are not here to spend time in the hotel. Come out soon,’’.



We walked out of the hotel towards the Acropolis which we were told is walking distance. On our way was Plaka,it is a famous pedestrian street, full of tourists. Shops on either side of the street,eateries,ethnic Greek jewellery,Greek plates ,and more such stuff which was all Greek and Latin to me. Forgetting me ,was not something which could never happen,but she also forget her schedule of sightseeing and the Parthenon and started going to every shop. When I say every shop, I mean every shop.Some how we reached the end of the street and were on our way .At the ticket counter for the Acropolis the lady pointed towards the top of a flat topped rock and told the way to reach there.It was a climb on the Acropolis to reach the top. Scorching sun,80 F,no cool winds, and a steep climb- not my ideal way of holidaying.I remembered my thousand dollar ticket to Greece and kept climbing up.I want to say reaching the top and seeing the Parthenon, was a sight for sore eyes ,but unfortunately I am not a connoisseur of history or architecture and all it felt to me was limestones kept over each other and some semblance to a building which was once there. All around tourist were going gaga over it and so was my wife.There was a rope all around the monument so no one could get close and touch it .It just occurred to me that on one of the by-lanes of Purani Dilli there is a old broken down ,long forgotten Haveli.I thought ,that was much more majestic looking then the one in front of me ,and it wouldn't have cost money to see it. The Haveli, most definitely would have had a interesting history to match up to the history of Parthenon which was built in honor of Goddess Athena.


Felt like Athens was New Delhi albeit much more cleaner and organized ,and the monuments Old Delhi. Once done with Athens, we were on our way to Santorini Island. The schedule was ready for the next visit. We would reach at 12 am in the night, will be getting up at 6am next morning to enjoy the hotel view and at 10 am sharp a bus will be ready to take us to the Port. From there we will be going to see a Volcano and hot springs and the later to see sunset at ‘’Oia’’.This was conveyed to me on the way to Santorini and also a leverage was given to me by her ,’’if you want you can sleep till 6.30a.m’’
.’’What about till 7,?’’ I tried to extract more.
‘’Don't you want to see the beauty of this place,we will go for a walk after breakfast.So 6.30 a.m seems fair’’,she said trying hard to discover the beauty even in the darkness as we landed at the port at 12 am.There was no other option except to forgo my beauty sleep.

Full of excitement of reaching Santorini, the place of her dreams I think she did not sleep at all that night and her tossing and turning and going out to the balcony of the hotel room and singing Hindi songs on seeing the full moon did not allow me to also get a wink. The place was amazing with the blue water and sky and the church domes painted blue too. Quaint and colorful town on the edge of mountains ,meandering street all made it a place to visit, but not something for my sleep to get so terribly ruined.



Bus and a wooden boat ride and we were dropped at the foot a mountain with black rocks. To see the mouth of the dormant volcano we had to climb again the cliff. I don't have enough words to describe the painful journey which was interspersed by the guides speech on the abundance of nature resources and how all of them were getting wasted.How the only source of income in the parts in tourism. My sympathies for him were hindered by his speech which was making the climb longer in the hot sun.

On top of the dormant volcano ,the guide dug a small hole in the mud and told us to put the hand in front of the mouth of the hole.’’You can feel the hot air coming from the volcano which is dormant and the sulphur gas will have a smell of eggs gone bad’’,he said as he asked all of us to touch the mud in his hand which was hot. Everyone started putting their hands to get the feel of the hot sulphur gas. ‘’Don't you want to feel it ‘’?she asked me as I showed no intentions of doing the same. It was not as if I was missing a lifetime opportunity of touching some precious stones.As far as I was concerned maybe someone was burning coal in a room below and the hot air was a remnant of that and not of the Volcano. Done with the present adventure and back to the wooden boat we were on our way to the Hot Springs. The water apparently was warmer than the rest of sea due to the Volcano. In between we did go to a small restaurant on the port which was serving grilled chicken, beef and octopus. The food was different and good in taste ,so far my only good experience.



Just as the boat was reaching the hot springs,the guide announced,’’we are forty feet away from the hot spring.As people are swimming there we cant go to the exact spot .From here one has to swim to the hot spring.’’ Darn,I was so looking forward to it and here too will have to do a laborious task of swimming to reach there.’’I thought as I started seeing all the co passengers ready to jump in the water. The first person to jump was a white teenager girl,maybe from US. As she jumped she shrieked’’ water is too cold’’.’’ Don't worry the hot springs will make you feel so much better’’, the other passengers comforted her.



There was a line next to the ladder to climb down to the cold,not so clean water and in that was my dear wife. Seeing her in the line made my heart skip a beat,’’she will make me also go in there’’,I thought.
‘’It’s OK if you don't want to go, I am going, will be back soon,’’she said eagerly as if she had read my mind. People of all sizes,ages, were jumping in with joy,and I was satisfied standing aside with a few hand full of people enjoying the screams.

With all the hard work,and energy drained journey back to Oia was quite.The picturesque town seemed such a relief from all the day’s work,but not for me. Mesmerized,she had to be in every nook, corner,street of the town,god forbid if she missed anything.At about eight a clock I pleaded to call it a day,which she did with the promise to come back again to Oia and soak herself with the beauty of the town

Intelligence Quotient

It all started with a momentary lapse in my knowledge of geography of USA. On one of our vacation trip to Hawaii ,I was doing the preparatory work .I was flummoxed . I could not get driving direction to Hawaii on map quest. It kept saying , ''Cannot find directions''.Well, I never claimed any proficiency in Geography .She caught me red handed in my moment of weakness . ''How can you get driving directions to Maui ,it is an Island '',she said.From then on began series of Agni Parikshas to prove my mettle


Everyday there was a new challenge, some were innocuous , some difficult and others mind boggling.Like the other day ,she asked me ''Do you know the meaning of my name? 'Hmm,what ? No, I don't know that '',I answered trying best to wriggle out of the question answer session. ''You don't even know know the meaning of your wife's name ''she said with the expression of shock and horror as if she had just heard her husband was Green Goblin ,the sworn enemy of Spider-man.Names having meaning is an part of Indian culture.Do the names ,Ann, Sue , Julia , any of these names have a meaning ?Coming back to my on the spot moment,I offered her my sincere apologies and told her to tell me the meaning of her name .To which she answered'' Do some research, find it yourself ''.

Then a month or two later, one evening as I was relaxing by reading my all time favorite ''The Mahabharata ''.She came to me and said''Come lets do a medium level Sudoku Quiz and see who finishes up first ''. I thought to myself ''Heavens Forbid if I lose to her,I am never seeing end to these quizzes. I have to win. I had never played Sudoku before but she had a couple of times. So one of these days ,she had taken time out from her extremely busy schedule to explain to a lesser mortal what it was all about .For those of you who are not aware of what it is . It is a fill in the blank with numbers where digits one to ten should come only once in all the line. The theme music of the movie '' Chariots of fire'' starting playing in my head as I took my seat next to her for the battle. I felt an overwhelming sense of burden of saving the grace of all husband-kind of the world. I summoned all my brain cells to start working at the fastest possible speed and beckoned all the Gods to be on my side. With a Jai Mata Di , I started filling the digits in the blank spaces.. About fifteen minutes later , I glanced at her sheet and she just was about half way done.It was a do or die situation, failure was not an option. I concentrated hard on the quiz , and made a small offer to God of $ 5 prashad. There was pin-drop silence for another twenty minutes. Just then there was a shriek piercing the tic tic of the clock,the only sound present in the house. It was the sound of triumph , my triumph.She grabbed my sheet in disbelief and checked all the numbers twice.I had beaten her fair and square.

I will be going to temple tomorrow to offer my thanks to the Almighty.

Right to be Right

Has anyone given a thought to the fact that she has the right to be right .It is not anytime, sometime but it is all the time. Looks like the wives all over the world have it as their birthright. That is the right to be right in front of their husbands

.As I remember even in childhood, Chacha Choudary whose brain was faster than the computer and Saboo his loyal big tall friend would be obeying Mrs Chachi Choudary. Whatever she said was the order of the house.Later in IIT how the day would pan out , would one get a devastatingly , deadly surprise quiz or not ,depended on the mood of the Proff. And his mood was directly proportional to the his wife having asserted her right to be right.


Later over the years this fact has become crystal clear . Any argument which I seem to be wining in round 1 , by the time it comes to round 3 , she somehow manages to win and be right. Just the other day,I put up proposal on her table for approval regarding a lap desk.I have laptop and a designated table for my work Then there are the times when I want to work sitting on the couch. Man has needs and the need of the hour was for a lap desk.I stood in front of her as she read her book, just like how a student satnds in front his teacher wanting a restroom break . I presented my case saying’’ I have to work long hours and need to be comfortable. I am learning new technology and working on a project ,I would like you to authorize a lap desk for work for me..Round 1 : I win.

She heard the argument and it seemed she was deliberating on it like a Hindi film Judge. After 5 minutes of pensive thoughts she said, ‘’there are two many of your gadgets lying on the couch , and the lap desk will also just be lying around, I think it is a waste ‘’. Round 2 :She wins.

She took a pause and then looked at me with the most serious expression and said ‘’If you want to work and have the passion to work , you can do it under any circumstances with or without lap desk. Just see the recent Olympic medal winner Boxer Vijendra .He did not have any facilities and managed to win a medal . Don't you agree with me ?

‘’Yes dear ,I agree, you are right ‘’. Round 3 and the match goes to her .Who could argue with that reasoning.Such heavy duty argument for a ten dollar lap desk.Phew!!!

Maybe it is a law of the Universe.Like the water is blue and leaves are green,and the force of gravity, and the Wife has the Right to be Right always .

Paneer Pakodaas

The Sunday evening was charming . A brisk cool wind was blowing and making the tall trees dance to its rhythm.I opened our living room window for the wind to seep in . Sitting on the couch with my i pad ,i did not remain untouched by the the breeze.It was an opportune time to have some hot tea and maybe pakodas and maybe Paneer Pakodaas. Me , Ruby on Rails(ROR) on Ipad, tea in hand and pakoddas in mouth ,would be ambrosial.So with the intention of the above, I looked at her making the eyes of a lost puppy.She did not raise her eyes from the book she was reading.I thought it was time to come clean and speak from the heart otherwise dream of the pakoddaas will remain unfulfilled . ''Feel like having tea and pakodaas'', I said sheepishly. She finally raised her head from the book and said '' You just had tea one hour before and you just had lunch three hours back.What is the need for another cup of tea '',she chided me. ''Of course ,one hour back tea, 3 hours back lunch , 12 hour back dinner , does that mean I am not entitled to any more eating pleasures ,I thought to myslf . Then suddenly as if after a change of heart she said ''Accha , I will make it ''. A wave of happiness surged in me and I can say with the song Kuch kuch hota hai surmised my feeling about the pakoddas at the moment .



Tearing herself from her book , she and went to the kitchen . She opened the packet of besan and started putting water in it . I saw her from the corner of my eye felt satisfied seeing things going in right direction or so I thought.With her hands smudged totally in the wet besan, she beckoned me . ''My hands are all soaked now , can you pour oil in the pan.You can leave after that',she said . Alarm bells started ringing in my head giving me a warning that the call in the kitchen for pouring of oil is a pretext and there is more to come. Everyone knows , how Sita was cajoled to step out of the laxman rekha . Hindu Mythology is witness to what happened after that.Me stepping out of the Laxman rekha of the living room looked ominous to me . Despite the warnings going in my head I went and put a pan with oil on the burner. ''Now that you are here , why don't you also make the tea.You make so much better tea than me,''she said matter of factly while she cut the paneer delicately in cubes,in same breath chopping my lazy afternoon .Yes,the warning had come true.

So here I was in kitchen making tea and she on the other burner was frying the pakoddas.When about five or so were done, suddenly the phone bell rang. It was her friend whom she had not spoken for a long time. I have my suspicions , she might have tweeted or chatted or facebooked her friend to call her in the time of her need.While on the phone , she gestured and then whispered to me ''take care of the pakkoddas,slowly take them out from the oil ''.So now she was siting on the couch babbling away on the phone, putting her feet up waiting for tea and Pakodaas which I was preparing . Finally it was she , her phone , tea in her hand and pakoddas in her mouth .

This Saturday when I sat down to write , she came up to me and said ''You are writing all not so good things about me , how about writing about some of my qualities''. I thought to myself and mused,'' She has many many qualities.In the month of April when she decided to cook , she juggled up a scrumptious meal ,in the month of May when she decided to clean the house she made it spotless.But those are the qualities which come up bimonthly . I decided to put my heart and soul into writing about one of her yearly/perennial quality .




As I pondered over the thought for some time ,I suddenly felt enlightened and realized what a wonderful quality she has, which I was overlooking . All those times when things were not clear and I had questions about who Shahid Kapoor was dating now days. She knew the answer. Whenever I was stuck and needed more know how on the ceremonies and the guest list of Abishek -Aishwarya Rai wedding ,she would always dish out the answer from her sea of information. Her knowledge transcends continent and oceans. She is as much aware of Halle Berry break up with her boyfriend Gabreil Aubry as she is of Deepika -Ranbeer Kapoor 's breakup. The best way to describe how stuck she is to the Internet,reading voraciously is by saying this phrase . ''यह fevicol का मजबूत जोड़ है ttootaga नही ''.She is so well versed with who is who's mother in law , ex- husband ,sister ,brother that I wont be amazed if she the knew Shrek the ogre and Puss in boots genealogy.

Her proficiency is not just restricted to the movie world but goes beyond to books and television too.If someone ever needs a synopsis for a previous missed episode of Lost ,House , Baa Bahoo and Baby or Ristha kya kehlata hai (the list is unending) just holler to her and she will give it better than even the ABC website.I have my suspicions though still not proven as yet that she might be a expert on the Chinese and Mexican telly world too. Sports soon became her forte when Tiger Woods story began to unravel. She knew the latest of Tiger Woods tryst in his unending saga of female lovers.Not a single article ever written on Sania-Shoaib-Ayesha had slipped past her unread.She knows the family details of Dhoni, Yuvraj like back of her hand. So this is my ode to her whom I sometimes also call ''Walking , talking Wikepedia''.

My IPL Saga

I am thinking of joining the BCCI's gang of cricket- lords who are gunning after Lalit Modi with their agenda. I too have a bone to pick with him about this IPL extravaganza,he has created . It has been three years since it came in reckon .And all the years I have been suffering in one form or the other.

When I went for my annual India trip to Delhi, which happened to be the First year of the IPL . I had no choice but to watch the matches held in blazing sun with the Delhi Loo scalding my cheeks and the perspiration giving me a sauna bath in the Feroz Shah Kotla Stadium. Before going for the vacation,I had dreams of sitting in the the cool comfort of the Samsung Air conditioner, eating HaldiRam's samosa and kachoris with the evening tea.Instead of cool ,mom made Lassi , I was drinking not so chilled, fifty rupees Pepsi there.I was fully aware of her love for Cricket,but oblivious of her arranging the tickets even before we boarded the flight. It did not matter if Virender Sehwag is there as a captain, but we were there to see the live action . I just about managed to escape a heat stroke that Indian Summer.

For the past one month and more IPL has been the flavor of the month in our household.One evening when I arrived, I was told by my sprightly wife that she had bought the IPL package on Direct TV. The days became just a tad different from then on for a month and more.Mornings, I woke up to the sounds of loud claps and exclamation of ''WOW,Bravo,what a catch''. The live match was on and she was up since 5.30 am watching Tendulakar vs Warne and supporting Warne whole heartedly.She could jump with joy on the couch but I was not allowed to loiter in the home especially not in front of the television set.It was curfew time for those morning hours.For breakfast it was burnt toast and boiled eggs, as she could not afford to miss even one DLF maximum Sixes.Shoving is what I had to do to her to get her to her office. On reaching my office,I would be greeted by a phone call or chat message informing if Rajasthan Royal won or Preity's boys.Dinners were a lavish spread if her team won and only Kichdi if her favorite team would loose. I cant even fathom what Raj Kundra would be going through when Rajasthan Royal lost.


The IPL has ended and so are my curfew days. The sun is shining again on me and I have decided to email my laundry list of complaints about Mr Modi to Shashank Manoher .I am sure he would be pleased to get my letter so he can add more fuel to the fire. I hope they are able to get reigns on him because my dearest wife has noxious designs for the IPL, next year and I am afraid the burnt toast would be difficult to digest again.

Pact

Pacts , is what makes a lifetime . One makes all kinds of them.Some with self, some with God, some with your Boss and most of them with your wife . One of the deals between us is that ,I watch one of her chick flicks and she watches one of the action/gory movies with me . So she has watched "Black Hawk Down" , "300" for me and I have in turn watched ''Devil wears Prada, with her.You would think that seeing Meryl Streep,Anne Hathway and all the talk about fashion would have been a deterrence for me .But not until I saw the next movie as per our agreement, which was the epitome of feminism.

One lovely evening in Pasadena , I found myself standing next to her,while she was in the line to get tickets to see her movie. We entered the not yet darkened theater and to my utter embrassment,it was packed bevy of females .What else could one expect, I was in fact going to see ''Sex and the City''.But seeing is believing . I strained my eyes to find another member of my species . With great difficulty ,I located another fellow sufferer who would be going through the same torment as me . After taking our respective seats , it felt as if there is no escaping this place. .This is what Abhimanyu must have felt after entering the Chakaravyu ,surrounded by bloodthirsty enemies with no way out.

Carrie Bradshaw aka Sarah Jessica Parker appeared on screen, she was going to get married.The theater echoed with OOH AA H'S. My starry eyed wife looked at me to see if I was too enjoying like her . I suppressed my real emotions and smiled in appreciation of the proceeding in the movie.Some time later, Carrie Bradshaw was stood up by her finance and her wedding was stalled.The theater again resonated with sighs and ''OH NO'S.She again looked at me to find out if I also understood Carrie Bradshaw pain.And,here I was hoping if my partner could understand my pain.To get some reprieve, I asked her if she wanted popcorn or soda , hoping that the queue would be so long that I will miss most of the movie.No such luck. She was so engrossed in the movie and she did not want anything. In between the two hours, there was a moment where an unheard ,unsaid sympathy was conveyed through eyes to the other lone male gender sitting with his girlfriend.

Finally Carrie Bradshaw got married, and I felt my shackles being broken. I stepped out of the hall and took a deep breath under the open skies amidst the hullabullu of the shopping mall.I was appreciating the Pasadena crowded mall in a new light.On the way back, she asked me '' So how was the movie ?''. I could not control myself and finally announced to her'' after this last experience, I am proclaiming our little treaty null and void''.

Surprise!!!

A Surprise on your birthday, what more can one ask for ? When I saw mine for this birthday I went through a whole gamut of emotions .First, layer of Happiness,then disappointment next amazement, and last but not least pressure , all rolled into one like a sushi.

All you husbands/boyfriends out there who have ever given an excuse of forgetting their wife/girlfriend's birthday , I have one word for you 'Lucky '. As for me I can't even give that pretext to my wife as both our birthday are on consecutive days . What will I say '' Honey,I don't even know the day and month when I was born . When I have filled at least thousand of paper work for education,banking , visa, with a mandatory fill in the blank against the letter DOB (date of birth ). This justification will never fly.

For a past few years , it is a usual dinner or a lunch on either of our birthdays , no big gifts , or celebrations. But this time she decided to bowl a googly at me . Whoever says women cant keep any secret is all balderdash. We decided to go for lunch on the day of my birthday . She carried her usual load of things a purse and another bag , phone ,sunglasses . We reached the restaurant . She excused herself to go to the restroom. So far so good. We ordered our dishes and the waiter came back with mine and says to her it will be twenty more minute for hers . ''Twenty more minutes for hers what did she order?, I did not even pay attention '' I thought.

I waited patiently for 15 minutes. I should have guessed ,there is more than meets the eye , when she did not allow me to eat my dish . A few minutes later , I saw a waitress walking in with a cake and a package. The first thoughts in my mind was ''This is a brilliant idea , I can do this for her tomorrow.Thank you dear waitress for getting this to my notice''. The next second it felt she was coming towards me that just gave me the heebie-jeebieses . ''Oh no , is this cake for me. If it is , what will I do for a suprise for her tomorrow ''?.All these horrifying thoughts clouded my mind .The petite waitress then turned and it looked if she was going to the other table, I heaved a sigh of relief . She then picked the lighter from there and lo and behold put the white key lime pie icing cake on our table. My worst fear had come true , it was a surprise cake for me. The letters written on the cake starred at me and I starred them back ''Happy Birthday Rahul''. Not to mention there was a packet with the cake which had THE ipad. Beads of sweat appeared on my forehead.Stress of performing better tomorrow had creeped up and was at its peak.Instead of overwhelming joy I was experiencing performance anxiety . And if I knew myself better, I will crumble under the pressure and never be able to surpass her tomorrow .

My Vacation Puzzle

It just so happened that for the past one month , I have been getting some subtle hints to go for a vacation. Although subtle, they are given to me everyday in form of prodding, questioning etc , etc .

"So what did you do at the office today ?", she asked me in the evening. But I knew that the translation of the question was '' did I do some research for the vacation?''. ''So did you talk to your friend X or Y?", she asked. Here the hidden question is -"X had gone for a vacation last month , had I called him up for some information". Sometime I get this feeling that I am being interrogated by my sweet and cute wife. For that period she takes the Avatar of a Police inspector from our Hindi films. In the plot I have become the goon who has been caught by that Inspector. Just like the goon who suffers from partial amnesia and does not want to cough up any answers, I am not able to answer any of her questions to her satisfaction.

Now as the years of marriage have gone by I have realized ,she can multi task and I can't. Forget multitasking, I am plain hoping to finish all my office tasks. Multiple threads can be going on in her mind. But the processor in my head is guaranteed single threaded.

The days were going by and I was still at my wits end for the vacation spot. Like a crossword puzzle, clues were being given to me left, right and center , but the right destination still alluded me . Ask any man, what vacation is for them. At least for me it is eating, sleeping and doing nothing. Because after the amount of Software-giri I do at office, that is what I need besides ''Hamdard ka tonic Cinkara''.

The night of decision had arrived. So with my imagination or rather lack of it, I came up with going to Vegas or San Diego. She heard this, closed her eyes, swayed her head side to side and pursed her lips. (P.S we have gone to these places many times ). The expressions said it all. Her expression were not far away from my IIT Prof who taught Electromagnetic. He would ask the trickiest of questions and expected me to answer them. I would think all those times, "Abe Salla, if you know the answer ,why don't you answer it and spare me". Neither did I say those thoughts aloud to the Prof and nor can I say anything remotely close to her. All I manage to think is , if she knows where she wants to go , please enlighten me also.

Just like the silence before the storm, she sat quietly for ten minutes. And then jumped up, came up to me and said puffing her cheeks "I will not talk to you , you could not come with any good place.''She then opened word document on my laptop and wrote in capital letter where she wanted to go. I thought , I will cajole her later. At least now I know where to go and I am relieved that I am off the hook.

Barbarism of the Burberry Bag

If not barbarism what else was it ? She was lured to the chocolate colored check pattern bag like iron to a magnet , bees to the honey , me to an Apple store .But all these attractions result in some constructive results. The bees make honey , I feel a direct connection with Steve Jobs when I go to the Apple store .The touch and feel of the gadgets is a constant education process for me .And no one comes out hurt , neither me nor my credit card .


Among a thousand and thousand of purses kept in Nordstrom , there is only one she liked in all the store . Kept on the topmost shelf in Nordstrom , with the yellow light making it more prominent, She asked me ''Can you bring that purse down , let me see it ''. I like a law abiding husband agreed to this trivial request

.For me the difference from one purse to the other is a big Zero . The difference for her is a completely opposite figure ''Infinite''. So after a search which lasted maybe just about 85 min ,she picked it and declared to me ''this is the one''. I heaved a sigh of relief , finally the torture was over and we could go and grab a bite . My relief only lasted till the time we took to find out where the price tag was located .The price tag was snugged inside comfortably in the layers of the purse. My heart just skipped a beat seeing the numerical digits on the price tag. It was enough to buy a more than a decent laptop.Why don't they put the figures in bold and place it next to the bag . So when one sees the purse , the eyes also can eyeball those three digit figures. No they will never do that .

She said twisting her face to the other side '' OK leave it , it is too expensive'' . '' Think quick , do I say OK, or no honey take it , I can buy this for you '' I thought to myself. 'What if this is a trick statement to test me. I better tread this path carefully ''. ' Why don't you buy it , not buying will be waste of all your efforts ''. I said with a slight shake in my voice.''OK , this can be your gift on my birthday '' she said happily and walked towards the check out counter. '' Bamboozled I was , her birthday was not in another 6 months . With a smile on my lips , and trembling hands I opened my humble ten dollar wallet, to buy the Burberry Purse . I just hope she is happy and also that it lasts for at least ten years .